BY STEVE JANOSKI
Once, before sheetrock and plywood and cement and mortar, men lived in caves. It was probably miserable, but it did the job of protecting us from rain and snow and saber-toothed tigers.
We're fortunate now that we've learned to build our own structures out in the light, and if we don't build it, we buy it.
For some reason though, there seems to be some kind of movement to return to this primordial idea of living in a cave, and it's catching on like a wildfire among the males of this generation.
Consequentially, much is being written about the ever-more popular "man cave" where supposedly, men can go back to being men.
This cave, I guess, is where you put all the things your wife says aren't allowed upstairs, like a pool table, or a bar, or your... nevermind.
Websites have even formed around the idea - mancavesite.org says that it's been going since April of 2008, and its mission statement says that the site is meant to provide a "centralized location to showcase your man cave and share ideas with others who have a similar passion."
Pictures abound of proud men standing in poorly decorated rooms with sports posters, bars made of plywood, and couches that look they've been pulled off the curb after the rain.
I think they should rename the site, or at the very least, change it to something that's more reflective of what they're about.
How about: "We're a group of men who are so spineless that we've let our wives cast us off to the basement, where we vainly hope for respite in what looks like a mix of a 14 year-old's bedroom and the inside of a dive bar in Clifton."
I've long held the opinion that for at least the past 50 years, this country has been moving far too much to the soft side when it comes to men.
Gone is the image of our fathers - men who wouldn't let you cry, men who told you to walk it off, men who looked at your gaping wounds and said with squinted eyes, "Ah, that probably doesn't need stitches."
Now we're supposed to be sensitive. Understanding. It's OK to cry, it's ok to quit, it's ok to sue someone when they punch you instead of hitting them back harder.
We've outlawed dodge ball, tackle football, and peanut butter in the schools, and many kids have even embraced that sort of androgynous style of clothing that I thought died when Bowie's Ziggy Stardust phase ended.
"Testosterone" may as well be a four-letter word, and frankly, we've become a nation of emasculated she-men, whimpering in the corners and afraid of doing things that were once the norm.
But this "man" cave is the final straw; women might as well just nail that basement door shut.
Maybe it's my youth or the fact that I'm not married talking, but how about actually enjoying the whole of the house you live in, instead of leaving it to the wife to decorate while you take refuge in a basement that looks like the inside of a dorm room?
I don't have my own basement to take over, per se, but I have kind of taken over the basement of my parent's house.
There's no couches or college posters in it though - there's a heavy bag, a speed bag, a weight bench, a barbell, and stacks of plates that rival what the best jail in the country has to offer.
The linoleum floor has been broken up by deadlifting too much and the smell is less than appealing.
I don't want to spend more time down there than I have to, really; it's a punishing place, more of a dungeon than a cave. But, should I ever make enough money to own my own house, my new basement will probably look strikingly similar to my old one.
All of this doesn't mean that a man should try to take over his whole house at the expense of his wife, though.
All I'm saying is that should some unfortunate women find me fit to marry, I'd plan on having some kind of say in what the house looked like so I could enjoy the thing myself - and I sure as hell wouldn't plan on being pushed into the damned basement either, like some kind of incontinent animal that can't be trusted to sleep in the nicer rooms.
And by the way - if you're going to put a bar in your basement, at least sell some liquor and make some cash that thing, or bust it up and throw it out.
E-mail: janoski@northjersey.com
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