Washed up meatheads are cringing

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

BY STEVE JANOSKI

We see you through the glass windows of the gym, and we are cringing. We're the people that are in the gym early on New Year's Eve, after work on Christmas Eve, and all the days in between. As washed-up meatheads, we've put a lot into lifting over the years, having started because our football or wrestling coaches made us.

But we caught the bug, got addicted to the iron, and became enamored with the simple act of lifting something heavy off the ground. For some of us, it's the utter simplicity of it — as Henry Rollins once said, "200 pounds is always 200 pounds."

Life's problems fade away, for there are no dead-end jobs, whining girlfriends, or problems of any sort while in the gym. It's just a simple 200 pounds that needs to be lifted, and we're there to do it. It is our release, and our haven from the outside world.

But every year, in the first weeks of January, we get inundated with "The Resolutioners," those of you who have decided to get in shape for the new year, and pack the bench presses and Nautilus machines in your pursuit. Our workout takes an hour longer because the gym is so crowded; one can hardly take a step without tripping over dumbbell left out by someone who doesn't know gym mores.

For a month, we are driven crazy, and our schedules and programs are destroyed until you all retreat back to your couches sometime in early February, shaking your head and saying, "Well, I tried."

Does it sound elitist? It sort of is. And there's lifters out there, some of the biggest guys you'll meet, who are far more vulgar than I when talking about the Resolutioner phenomenon. But one thing that you might not believe is that there are plenty of us who don't want you to fail. We don't want you to go home, and we don't want you to be a sloth any more than you do.

See, we are always looking for people to join us in our pursuit of being stronger — we just don't want pretenders. We don't want people who talk on their cell phones in between sets on the bench press, all the while telling us they're "almost done" with the machine.

We don't want those that dress up to go to the gym, and treat it as if it's an underground club in New York City. We don't want the people that are there to get in the way.

We want people that are deadly serious, and willing to put in the work and sweat and blood in order to better themselves. We want people that will find the simple joy of lifting and working out, as we have, and to enjoy the feeling of looking at a bar that has three 45-pound plates on each side and thinking, "I just lifted that, even though four months ago I never thought I'd be able to."

And we certainly love to talk about theories and programs and nutrition, and to support those that are entering into athletic competitions or powerlifting meets.

Remember that, when you're walking around the gym this week, confused about what to do and where to start. Remember that if you're serious about learning, you can walk up to any big guy or in-shape woman who looks like they know what they're doing and say, "Hey, can you help me out for a second?"

The odds are that they will be more than happy to help you out. Once they see you in the gym consistently, don't be surprised if they end up dropping little hints and tips that took them years to learn.

The Resolutioners should not be intimidated — realize that everyone started out where you were once, and everyone simply put in the work to change.

It can be done, and it has been done by countless Americans who were just fed up with how they felt. And also remember that we are pulling for you, even if we won't tell you.

Good luck.

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